How to be hated in yoga class

Aug 8, 2014 | Yoga | 0 comments

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3 min read

How to be hated in your yoga class | 42Yogis

People are called to the mat to detox, get fit, meditate, and for many more reasons than these. Everybody has a different reason, or combination of reasons, that keeps them down dogging class after class. That’s the beauty of yoga. Yoga is a personal experience.

When I go to yoga, you can bet my practice is all about me. I have the clothes I feel comfortable in (no matter how ugly they might be). I use my all natural rubber yoga mat (no matter how ugly it might be), and I get into the zone so I can ignore what everyone else is doing. I try very hard to stay in my bubble and not effect anybody around me. I speak when spoken to. I stay on my mat, and I generally try to be a courteous person.

But apparently I’m in the minority. Every time I go to class lately there is at least one student (sometimes two or three) who makes their practice, my practice, the teacher’s practice, and everybody else’s practice all about…well, them.

If being the center of your own universe isn’t enough and you wish to be the center of everybody else’s universe, simply follow these steps. You’ll be driving your yoga compatriots crazy in no time.

1. Wear perfume.

You might think that new Paris Hilton perfume you’re rocking will cover up the horrendous amounts of stench you’re about to create, but what’s worse than all that sweat is that new Paris Hilton perfume. Some people have sensitivities to scents, and being oblivious to this fact – whether willfully oblivious or not – will quickly make you the center of attention for all the students who are unfortunate enough to set up their mat next to yours.

The alternative? Skip the scents.

2. Don’t wear deodorant.

There are rare occasions when one’s body odor is worse than one’s perfume. You know you’re one of these unfortunate folks when people move away from you like you ate durian for breakfast. If you’re one of the many unwashed, au natural hipsters who are drawn to yoga class, go ahead and set your mat up in the middle of the room to make sure nobody near you can stay focused.

The alternative? Take a shower before class.

3. Be a drama queen.

Is that pose challenging? Are you hung over? Were you up too late binge watching Orange is The New Black? Whine, bitch, and moan about it to your neighbor, and you’ll be one of their least favorite mat buddies in no time.

The alternative? Shut the fuck up.

4. Have a yenta mouth.

Being snarky and judgemental are not very yogic traits. But by all means, if you want to be hated in yoga class, simply have a yenta mouth. Here are a few lines to get you started:

  • “OMG you’re not going to believe what Becky wore to class last week.”
  • “Where did she get such hideous yoga pants?”
  • “Did you see how stupid she looked in revolved side angle?”

The beauty of having a yenta mouth is you often don’t realize what you say is hurtful. You’re just gossiping because you have a small mind and that’s what small minds do. So what if you hurt Becky’s feelings? You’ve got the attention.

The alternative? Shut the fuck up.

5. Keep your ringer on.

Nobody wants to be drifting off to their happy place in savasana only to get interrupted by Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back.” Be prepared for a room full of nasty looks as you feign apologies and ignorance.

The alternative? Silence your damn phone.

What drives you crazy in your yoga class? Let me know in the comments.

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